I feel like it has only been recently that I have been doing a lot of firsts. I have been driven for countless years and while do not dismiss anything I’ve done or anyone that I have had the opportunity to work with and by all means definitely not my family; it has all been driven for people and interests. It is only recently that I have truly looked at something and a decision based either partially or fully upon my own desire/benefit. I have got to say, it sounds so weird saying that I’ve done something for my own benefit.
One of the books that my counselor recommended was The Human Magnet Syndrome. The original purpose of me reading it was so that I could work on avoiding toxic relationships however, it has done a lot more for me. It made me really pull another layer of the onion away and realize how much of me was driven by pleasing others at the sacrifice of my happiness.
I was wondering where to start and was looking at various memories when two big themes hit me. As soon as I captured both words in my head then I took a deep breath of relaxation. To me, the two things that drove me the most were my marriage and work, sadly; much of the time it was work. My first wife associated my business as a mistress as I was getting my construction company going; a second time. During the day and weekends, I was working on the business (marketing/sales/bids/etc.) or working on a jobsite and I was also working a fulltime night job to cover bills: she was right.
Looking back now, I left Chicago because I was hurt. In the two-year time period prior to me leaving Chicago I experienced the death of my father, opening of my business, first marriage, graduation from college, my move to Fort Leonard Wood MO for four months (while at a military course and my first ex stayed back due to the rules at the time), got the business going a second time, working fulltime night job, got first divorce, started dating second ex-wife but, let work and such distract me and I didn’t talk with her for a month, and then my complete realization that what I was doing was ridiculous. Why the fuck was I working all these hours (17 hours a day, seven days a week, with 11 employees) and the only person that cares about it is me?
I left Chicago on a road trip with the intentions of driving through Alaska (one of my grandfather’s dreams and it was truly he (Grampa) that inspired my desire to see Alaska) and then down through Washington, Oregon, Northern part of California and heading back to Chicago. The first change of plans was my second ex (we were early into dating at that time) joined me at my invitation. The new plan we developed was that I was to drop her off in Seattle and I would continue the drive I had planned.
We (my second ex and I) loved Banff National Park in Alberta Canada. We spent three days there, I bought much needed camping gear (my first ever Thermarest which was awesome because I was hurting in that area in late September) and talked over plans. I was financially covering much of the trip, as agreed, and only had enough money to either head on a one-way trip to Alaska or back to the Lower 48 to drop Laura off in Seattle and continue my trip. We opted for Alaska because of my desire and dreams to see it.
We drove up to Deadhorse and then back to Fairbanks which at that point I had fallen in love with and said that I wanted to stay there and start looking for work. My second ex stated that if I wanted to stay in Fairbanks then that is cool, and she will grab a flight out and head to Seattle. I asked her where she would want to live, and the response was Anchorage. Sadly, I look at it as one of my many times that I gave in. Rather than staying in Fairbanks and starting to pursue my dream I made another permanent alteration for someone…
We had a rough trip down which, was filled with arguing. By the time we hit Peters Creek we had decided that she would be getting a flight out ASAP. Thankfully, no flights were available that day but something the next day was available and we had that evening to allow cooler heads to prevail and she opted to not fly out.
We started looking for work and tried at first doing it while staying at the Eagle River Campground but, back at that time, you went in person and filled out an application which required a phone number to be called back at and I didn’t have a cell phone and I got a lot of squinty eyes when I noted the campground. We opted to move to a hotel knowing it would burn through our remaining cash rapidly and made finding work more critical.
We would go to Golden Donuts every morning to buy a newspaper so that we could share the help wanted section while drinking a coffee and eating a doughnut. We had only been there a few mornings and she told me we that she was pregnant. A lot of critical things follow here that tie everything together…
I was scared and shocked at first, but honesty was all in on having a baby together and the “status” changed from she was pregnant to we were pregnant, and it always remained and remains that way. One of the things that really hurts (I don’t know if that is the correct word; I have a lot of issues describing feelings. I correlate feelings to the primary colors happy, sad, and mad compared to red, yellow, and blue) is that my ex made the decision to stay because “she wanted a chance for her kid to grow up with a father.” I can’t remember when she told me this and I have done a brilliant job of blocking that out but recently, in a conversation with my daughter, she reminded me of that comment because my ex told her the same thing.
Anyhow, I will stop on any further stories or comments on either ex because I absolutely won’t disparage either and especially not on my second because I won’t speak that way about their mother. The long diatribe takes us to the 30th of September!
Why do you ask about the 30th of September? Oooooofffffff
First, the wedding anniversary for my second marriage was on 30 September and that is today…
I’ve been trying to be very British and keeping a stiff upper lip but, I’m still bummed today. I have two phenomenal kids, and both speak my language. My son had some brilliant advice that he so eloquently conveyed to me, and I followed. Just as well, my daughter just recently reflected with me that I haven’t had time to grieve for what I could have had.
I have struggled with that feeling of sadness, emptiness, and “could have had”: the word struggle is very gentle with how I feel when I go to some friend’s houses. I’m not at all saying that I was in a happy marriage, it was definitely a stable dysfunctional marriage. What hurts is how it ended. Also, as I mentioned with going to some friend’s houses and seeing the kids hanging outside at the fire, helping cook, etc. all reminds me of a very different life.
How can work possibly remind me of today?
Today is also the close out of the Federal Fiscal Year. Young and ignorant Joel had no idea as to what the Federal Fiscal Year was when we decided on 30 September for the wedding but, poor choice. I think it was about 2009 when I became a Federal Program Manager and learned rapidly what the hell 30 September means!
I can’t tell you how many Wedding Anniversaries were missed due to work. In the earlier years, I absolutely had zero choice or influence and had to be in the office. About 2015 I called BS on making a big deal of it and attempted to evade it, but I took some severe beatings in 2017 for opting on such a poor decision. (We ranked #2 in the nation that year, fuck me on my “bad choices”)
Anyhow, good old 30 September is getting a facelift as of today!
Today is the first 30th of September that I have not been married (I was the last 25 years) and in any form of the military other than retired I was for the last 32 years).
I’m appreciating my firsts!
Some other firsts that I’ve recently done is booking my own vacation to Mexico on my own! Everything I have done since 1992 has been ultimately done or decided by someone, I now have the freedom to do what the fuck I want! Mexico baby!
What do I mean when I say booking my own? I am choosing my own destination, when, how long, where I stay (no more fancy places), etc. How freeing!!!
Last September on this day (30 September 2020) I was sitting inside the title company’s office signing on the closing of the house. I then drove back to the house with U-Haul trailer in tow and continued some frantic packing so that I could clear out the next morning. I had finally coordinated for a place to stay about a week or two prior, I had honestly planned on living out of my truck if needed.
I also made a small and in honesty, I mean small, fire in the backyard. It was my first campfire at my own house. I was running through the woods barefoot in freezing temps and being a free version of myself that evening. I am still pulling out splinters from my feet but wow, what a great evening!
I also made my “own” will, the last time it was just my name on a will and no spouse goes back to 1991! Back in 1991, young Joel was filling out a will in preparation for Desert Storm/Desert Shield, so it carried a lot of weight but back then you feel invincible. Nowadays, I realize I’m not invincible every time I standup, walk, you name it.
It took about two weeks to get the draft built from my attorney, distributed to my kids, I reviewed it with them, did the signing, and had it secured in the local courthouse. What do I say all of this?? What are you doing for your family? I watched an absolute shit show with my father, sister, and dread my mother’s passing. I don’t want to give up the ghost and hand my kids a turd sandwich. Anyhow, that one has sit with me for a solid two weeks.
I want to end on a positive note (not for you but for me)! I bought a new SCUBA diving regulator and computer. The history of my diving gear goes something like this, and it is absolutely fucked up that I feel I need to explain it!
I started SCUBA diving in 1984. I slowly saved up enough money to buy my own regulator in 1986. I of course had to run it by my father, ignore the fact it was my money I earned from a side job but that didn’t matter. (Funny all the things that keep coming up!) (I don’t mean funny like a clown either)
I bought my second regulator and first diving computer in 2003. I was using all my work income to cover the family so to buy a new regulator had to occur in a zero-sum gain environment. Back in high school, my first girlfriend talked with me about Swarovski crystal and how they just started a club. So, I immediately subscribed, got my first edition crystal and collected a lot afterwards. I kept it all packed away in original containers (you can take a breather from laughing and wipe away those tears). I sold all of my crystal and a couple cameras and equipment to afford that setup and loved it!
I just recently (this month) bought my third regulator and second computer! Fuck yeah!
It is a sweet and sexy beast that is made of titanium and requires little special attention. The computer is just as sexy if not more. I will probably buy a bottle of champagne in Mexico before they go on their initial dives. Something special needs to occur because I bought them and feel amazing!
Something else that hit me. The level of happiness that I have had recently around the house. I love the fall and the colors that come with it so I’m outside more now than before. In fact, I had the opportunity two nights ago, to look up and see both a satellite and shooting star at the same time! That seriously put a smile on my face and helped solidify that I’m on the right path.
I fully understand; it is up to me to be happy and to experience happiness. Also, it is up to me to love myself and after I fully do, then I can be a whole person and love someone else.
Yeah, I have a long path but, I’m up for the journey!
Thanks for staying with me! Looking forward to seeing you soon!
Joel
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