I have recently started sitting calmly in the morning for two minutes and checking my heart rate and such. During those two minutes, while sitting upright, I try to close my eyes or leave them just slightly open, stay mindful and not be distracted, and focus on my breath. I’m at the “okay level” when it comes to breath work, which comes into play during these two -minutes. Breathwork allows me to be mindful in the sense that I can keep a clear mind and not be distracted physically or mentally.
I started this new habit about a week ago and I was able to enjoy this new habit calmly and easily. This morning, however, I wasn’t, and I was extremely distracted due to increasing family issues. I at least awoke to a gorgeous roomful of morning sunlight and felt like I had a solid night’s sleep haven only drunk two beers the previous evening. I opted to hop on my bike that’s currently mounted on an indoor trainer.
I utilize an indoor trainer which provides resistance and will either simulate rides that are pre-built or ride on “magic rodes” which are your previous real-world rides imported into the system. Anyhow, back to landing the plane. (Another day I’ll share “Landing the Plane”). I’m able to get about 30–40-minute rides a couple of times a week indoors. I usually don’t feel like seeing the other riders or my simulated ride so I watch a part of a movie or short show on the second window that is overlayed enough to hide the other riders and small enough that I can see the data (Heart Rate, RPM, duration, overall elevation profile and an indicator showing where I’m at on the ride, and something showing my current elevation profile). I opted for a 30-minute prebuilt and started a comical movie and enjoyed both.
I was a hot sweaty mess, so I opted for cooling off in the garage and smoking some electric lettuce (thanks Letterkenny) and pondering upon an amazing icicle and the way the sun catches it. I absolutely love the golden warm yellow tones in the ice and how the birch in the background provides a sharp contrast.
I also started pondering everything going on in my head. I’m saddened at times in this new chapter of life. I distinctly remember my counselor telling me some time ago that If I take this journey and work on healing then I’ll start seeing more, appreciate things more, and sadly lose some people. I don’t believe the loss has to be permanent and I do believe that with the healing of wounds comes discussion and then a new relationship can begin.
Dr. Rosenberg wrote the book more toward romantic relationships (which is why I initially read it) however, I feel that the book spans all my relationships. I thoroughly appreciate the personality traits discussed (emotional manipulators= my dad and codependents= my mom) and look at generations as to what is passed down (our past generations and to our current/future generations).
One of my healing goals is to have healthy relationships with those in my life. How do I define a healthy relationship? Well, I’m still working on that across the board. In the summer of 2021, I listened to “The Human Magnet Syndrome (Why We Love People Who Hurt Us)” by Ross Rosenberg M.Ed. LCPC CADC. I was enamored, it was my family growing up! I had no idea we were being observed!
I recognized that I was more on the codependent side (not to the extent that my mom is) and was attracted to emotional manipulators. Upon completion of “The Human Magnet Syndrome” I started looking across the spans of my relationships. I looked at and better understood the failures of past relationships. I’m working hard at being centered as one is supposed to be.
I feel that my older siblings all range somewhere on the emotional manipulator spectrum. I’m not here knocking on anyone or diagnosing anyone. I’m purely saying, “I feel”. It is my continued goal to be less like my parents in all ways and to break the cycle of a lot of ridiculousness. I’ll completely credit my actions for the rest of my life as also being viewed through the additional lens of “The Human Magnet Syndrome”.
In November 2022, I was starting to work on “Attachment Theory” when a friend recommended that I try “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents; How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD and had countless aha moments! I am so impressed with all the information in the book that I listened to it three times! Once again, I had the same reactions that I did when I read “The Human Magnet Syndrome” I was and still am thinking our parental home has been under scientific observation for quite a while and I’m finally getting caught up on all the theories that have been written on us.
Without a doubt, my dad is fully in the “rejecting parent” which is withdrawn, dismissive, and derogatory. My mom, I think covers the “emotional parent” that instills feelings of instability and anxiety along with being the “passive parent” that avoids dealing with anything upsetting. I’ll leave it at that and just remind you that this is an “I feel” not a qualified clinician. I’m still more on the scientific side of the spectrum and appreciate the scientific research-based explanations which helped me understand my experiences better in life and have helped me understand many of my habits or ways of expression. This is a solid game-changer and improver for me.
Interestingly enough, Dr. Gibson notes that children of those rejecting parents tend to cover a spectrum from internalizer or externalizer. Internalizer’s tend to think solutions start on the inside, looks at how they can make things better, asks what’s my part of the problem, and comes to grip with painful realities whereas an externalizer takes action now and thinks later, reacts to what’s going on, believe it’s someone else’s fault, denies or escapes reality to feel better, and gets mad easily. All of this and more is discussed in Dr. Gibson’s book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” and I love how many New Harbinger Publications come with downloadable tools for the majority of their publications. The downloadable tool: Exercises; Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents helped me assess not only myself but others so that I could try to look at things from their viewpoint/perspective.
Overall, I have a lot of learning to do (as the vast majority of others do) and I’ll keep improving myself (how many shall?) at this point it’s time to give my brain a break and grab a shower.
Thanks for journeying with me!
Joel
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