I experienced the full spectrum of emotions over the last couple of weeks, and this last weekend made me aware of more feelings. For decades I only acknowledged happy, sad, and mad as my emotions. I also haven’t had a good cry, nor understood crying, and I can say that the last time I remember crying was when my dad passed away in 1992. Crying wasn’t endorsed by my father, and it didn’t go well in the house if you cried anywhere near Dad. I was at an event shortly after my dad’s passing and started crying and was told by a close family member to stop crying, and we don’t cry.
One of my goals for healing is to be able to cry. Many tears streamed a few weeks ago during my Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. My counselor and I have been working on the three significant events with me since Iraq. Last Thursday, I asked if we do a quick ad hoc talk about the upcoming weekend. I was contacted on Easter Sunday by the mother of a former soldier I served with, who told me he was terminally ill. It hurts now as I think of him.
Sadly, I know five soldiers I served with in Iraq and have now passed. Thankfully, the man fighting his terminal illness is still with us. It’s heartbreaking because the loss of lives has been mainly due to their own doing. I think back and vividly remember them 20+ years ago when they first joined after 9-11. Next year will be the 20th anniversary of our Alpha Company mobilizational date.
Wow, my head is currently spinning with so many thoughts and memories. I thought that I had processed this by now and was ready to put it all together.
My men who went to Iraq with us have small groups that stay connected but never formed anything close to what you see in the movies. I think back to 1998 and “Saving Private Ryan“. I also think back to 2001 and “Band of Brothers“. Epic series that displayed terrific levels of leadership. I also think of how tight knit those soldiers were.
I remember my former battalion commander telling me to make the right decision that I could live with 20 years down the road. I believed in that idea and continued it later in battalion command and further. I’ve noted that I’m not a shoulda/woulda/coulda type of person. I look back and realize many errors; however, based on my knowledge, I did the best I could.
I thankfully had excellent non-commissioned officers (NCOs), especially in Iraq but honestly, throughout my life. In reflection, I’ve been blessed with amazing NCOs that ensured I wouldn’t be reminiscing about soldiers’ lives lost.
It’s staggering as I remember the number of soldiers that have passed over the years. I’m not talking about dying as greybeards; I’m talking about premature deaths. I remember, very shortly into my career, counseling a platoon sergeant about his weight. I’ll never forget him telling me who cares. Within a few years, I attended his funeral. I also think back to the soldiers that snuck out when we were bedded in the armory and killed that evening in a car accident. They weren’t in my platoon, which meant I didn’t have to go to the morgue or follow on actions. I did know the soldiers and their loss hurt.
I sincerely have tried to know all the soldiers that “I’ve worked for”: my philosophy regarding how I felt about the men and women I served with and was responsible for. I see military service as something so different from anything the vast civilian populace understands. I’m not knocking the civilian populace; purely an observation. The civilian populace is accustomed to positions such as managers. Managers work certain hours and are usually responsible for their subordinate’s productivity during their work hours. Managers don’t get called throughout the night, on weekends, etc., and get notified of their employee passing, the death of an immediate family member of the employee, getting incarcerated, and working the situation through completion.
In the military, leaders are responsible for their soldiers, period. I’m talking about ensuring meals, sleep, proper training, and ultimately going to war. In my experience, I’ve tried to know as many of my soldiers as possible. I made it a goal to know first names if they are married and if so the name of their spouse; their interests/hobbies; etc. This also means that when you lose a soldier way too early in their life, you have a connection with them and, often, with their families.
I distinctly remember we got together with families shortly before we left Fort Richardson. One set of parents approached me and said, “Promise you will bring our son home.” I told them the team and I would do the best we could. They once again demanded that I promise to bring their son home alive. Fuck, no pressure. Once again, please tell me of a civilian position in which a person would experience that.
I definitely wouldn’t change a thing. I’m humbled by the contact I still have with so many soldiers and families, all of whom I now call friends.
On a positive note, I was also contacted by a good friend and former team member I served with. He told me his promotion ceremony was Sunday, April 16, 2023. At that moment, I felt God was saying, get your butt up there and see both my terminally ill friend and my friend getting promoted.
The promotion occurred in the main armory of the state. It’s also a place that I haven’t visited since I retired. I was experiencing yet more waves of emotions going to the armory and, thankfully, greeted by a plethora of smiling faces. Once again, “Mr. Huggy” was out. Life is good being retired. I also have to admit; it’s beautiful being retired because I don’t have to engage with people I don’t feel like engaging with. Fuck yeah!!
One more happy event to mention. My friend/former soldier was transferred to a facility more suited to his needs. I visited with him on Monday and was elated to see a big smile on his face.
We might not have the same bond as “Band of Brothers,” but we have a brotherhood/sisterhood in arms, and I cherish my experiences as time goes on.
I still have more bouncing around in my head; however, I’m tapping out for now. Maybe another night’s sleep will tease out more, especially since I got all this out and processed.
Thank you for joining me on another journey. Take care and see you soon!
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